IF YOU SAID NO, YOU BETTER SIT YOUR ASS BACK DOWN ANYWAY, BECAUSE DIETARY RESTRICTIONS DON’T MEAN SHIT WHEN YOU WANT TO PUT DELICIOUS SUBSTANCES IN YOUR FACE!
WE’RE GOING TO MAKE SOME GLORIOUS COCONUT RICE!
SHIT, THIS BULLSHIT IS SO GOOD I HAD TO SCRUB MY GREY MATTER WITH STEEL WOOL, BECAUSE I WITNESSED AN OLDER COUPLE EXPERIENCING ORGASM AFTER INGESTING IT!
I’LL BE DOING THIS THE STOVETOP WAY, BUT IF YOU CLASSY MOTHERFUCKERS HAVE A RICE COOKER, YOU CAN THROW IT IN THERE AND JUST HIT ‘COOK’
YOU BETTER GET SOME PERSONAL TRAINERS READY, BECAUSE YOU’LL NEED TO BE ABLE TO TRIPLE-BACK-HANDSPRING INTO A FULL SPLITS IF YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO HARNESS THE PURE MAJESTY OF 1 AND ½ CUPS UNCOOKED JASMINE RICE!
PLAIN WHITE RICE WORKS FINE. BROWN RICE IS NOT FINE!
GRAB A 14oz CAN OF COCONUT MILK - OR MAYBE JUST LASSO A COCONUT AND MILK ITS DEADLY FANGS FOR THE JUICE YOU REQUIRE FOR THIS BEAUTIFUL DISH!
PUNCH A LAKE UNTIL IT GIVES YOU 1 AND ¼ CUPS OF THE PUREST AND MOST SANITARY WATER IT POSSESSES!
DON’T HAVE YOUR OWN SUGAR CANE FIELDS TO PILLAGE FOR 1 TABLESPOON OF SUGAR? NEITHER DO I! YOU STILL NEED IT, THOUGH!
THROW ALL THIS BULLSHIT INTO A POT (OR RICE COOKER) AND CRANK THAT FUCKING HEAT UP UNTIL YOU SEE IT BOILING! FEELS GOOD, DOESN’T IT? WATCHING SOMETHING EXPERIENCE THE SAME EMOTIONAL PAIN AS YOU DID, WATCHING A CERTAIN ASSHOLE TORTURE HEAVEN’S MOST ADORABLE ANGEL!
THIS ASSHOLE IS A VIOLATE MOTHERFUCKER, SO WHEN YOU SEE IT LEAPING AROUND IN A GOOD BOIL, THEN YOU NEED TO TURN THAT HEAT BACK THE FUCK DOWN. SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT, MAN! COVER THE POT AND LET IT SIT THERE ON LOW HEAT FOR 15 - 20 MINUTES, UNTIL THE RICE IS TENDER.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IT’S TENDER?
YOU TAKE SOME OUT OF THE POT AND PUT IT IN YOUR IDIOT MOUTH, THAT’S HOW!
ONCE IT’S REACHED THAT POINT, STIR IT UP AND TAKE IT OFF THE HEAT, BECAUSE THAT BEAUTIFUL BABY IS DONE!
CONGRATS, ASSHOLE, YOU JUST MADE SOME COCONUT RICE!
WHAT CAN YOU USE IT FOR?
EAT IT, MOTHERFUCKER!
SIDE DISH FOR FUCKING ANYTHING, RICE IS BADASS LIKE THAT!
LEAVE IT IN THE FRIDGE AND SERVE WITH FRESHLY SLICED FRUIT, THAT’S CLASSY SHIT!
Wear spandex shorts under your regular running shorts so you don’t chafe
Cotton socks will only lead to blisters; invest in socks designed for running.
Join your local running club—check with your local running store fitness center and/or recreation department to find one
Find a committed running partner. It is much harder to skip a run when you have someone else depending on you
Remember that- It gets easier.
Accept and appreciate the fact that not every single run can be a good one
Do not compare yourself to others. Run within yourself and for yourself first.
Even a bad run is better then no run at all
If you normally run with music try skipping it and listening to your feet to hear your pace and your gait
Don’t be discouraged if you don’t experience weight loss immediately
Start a running blog, to see your progress and set goals
Hydrate. Make it a habit to drink water throughout the day
On long runs eat something every hour—whether you feel like it or not
During longer runs if you don’t like to carry water take some cash in your pocket pouch or a shoe wallet. Run a route where there’s a corner store that you can use as a pit stop to pick up your water and maybe use the bathroom
To aid recovery the most crucial time to eat and drink is in the hour immediately after you run
Use Vaseline or BodyGlide wherever things rub. They will help prevent blisters and chafing
Do not increase your mileage more than 10 percent per week
If you are prone to shin splints and lower leg pain try running soft trails for your Training runs and save the asphalt for race day
Do not run two hard days back-to-back
Ice aches and pains immediately
Pay attention to your form. Try to run lightly to minimize impact that could lead to injury
When running don’t forget the bug spray, sunscreen and a hat- BIG TIME!
Neosporin (or another antibiotic cream) is good for chafed areas
Make sure you cut your toenails short enough so they don’t jam into your Shoes
Be careful about running on paths that force you to run consistently on a slant. It’s hard on the hips knees
Don’t stretch before a run. Warm up by walking briskly or jogging slowly for several minutes
Do not ice for more than 20 minutes at a time
For beginners, set mini goals to keep you motivated. (Can be minutes [run 5, walk 10], run between street lights then walk between street lights, run till the next bus stop, until you pass a car on the street)
Do not use the hot tub after a race. It will increase inflammation and hinder healing
Be aware of cyclists approaching you from behind and try to keep to the right. Try to pay special attention when running with music
Run facing traffic.
Never assume a car sees you
Doubleknot your shoe laces so they will not come undone when you run\
If you listen to music, put earbuds in the go inside your ear, if you are usuing the ones that sit in your ear, it will fall out
Buy yourself some actual running shoes from an actual running store because running in junk “sneakers” will destroy your feet and your legs
At first keep your runs short and slow to avoid injury and soreness so you do not quit.
If you are breathing too hard slow down or walk a bit until you feel comfortable again
Pick your route close to home (out your front door)—the more convenient it is the better chance you will have sticking with it.
Set realistic short term and long term goals
Remember Soreness one to two days after a run is normal (delayed onset muscle soreness).
There’s no shame in walking
Four laps around the local the high school track equals one mile
Vary your training routes. This will prevent boredom and prevent your body from getting acclimated
Push through rough spots by focusing on the sounds of your breath and feet touching the ground
Do abdominal breathing to get rid of side cramps
Run on trails if at all possible. It will be easier on your body and you’ll love it
Dress as if it is 10 degrees warmer than the temperature on the thermometer
Run early in the morning or later in evening to avoid mid-day heat
To keep cool in hot weather soak a bandana in cold water wring it out a bit and tie it loosely around your neck
In the winter dress in layers (coolmax or other technical clothing) and wear a headband over your running hat to cover your ears